It was May of 1994. I was enrolled in cosmetology school. The Red-Cross blood-mobile was in the parking lot and several of us cosmos decided to donate some of life's juice. So, I went through their little questioner and proceeded to the back and reclined back and pumped out a bag of life.
Two weeks later a health department employee came to the school to talk to me. I walking into the Dean's office and I was there alone with this nice looking lady, as she introduced herself to me she explained the process blood goes through and the testing as well, then she dropped the bomb and became the most vile looking creature ever (still haunts my dreams). She told me my blood tested positive for the HIV virus. I sat like the "Thinker Statue" for several moments. Finally she broke the silence and said she had a few questions for me. So we started the short list and when she asked me about if I wanted to contact all my sexual partners past and present or did I want the Health Department. I chose to do it myself. And with no emotion I led her out the doors and swore that they made and error and I wasn't letting anyone know. And I didn't I went as normal as possible and eventually blocked out/forgot the whole issue!
I lived a careless life free from worries, stress and drama. Then living in Tulsa, OK I met a great boy who was my server at IHOP and tipped him, as well as, setting up a date. His name was Chris. We dated for about a month, everyday if possible. A month later I moved in with Chris. Everything was going great we spend the winter and spring together then July 4th came and we celebrated partying with some friends at a public field party. Someone from the Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Center handed us a baggie of condoms. I laughed because Chris never used a condom with me. But, there always was a business car in that baggie for free AIDS testing. So after we got home, Chris said let's do it, let's go get tested. I loved Chris, at that moment that vile creature popped in my head. Reluctant and nauseous I agreed to go and get tested on his day off.
The third week of July we went to the free testing center. Say in the reception area and filled out some pretty lengthy questioners. And we both decided to test with our real name and not anonymous. So they separately took us into a test room, got our fingers pricked, smeared it on the test card. The volunteers sealed it and made an appointment to come in for the results. Two extremely nerve wrecking weeks.
On the Wednesday of the second week in August 1998, Chris and I went to the center to learn of our destiny. On the way there I made a vow if it came back that the truth was the same as it was 4 years earlier I would just check out of life, end it so I wouldn't have to face the world or anyone for that matter. We pulled into the parking lot behind the center and got out. I almost bit the dust. Getting out of the truck my legs were rubber and I just knew. So, we went in sat down in the reception area for seemingly eternity. Then the guy said, "who want to go first?" I shrunk back and Chris went in brace and came out smiling minutes later. My turn.
I went in the first room off straight across from the reception area. I sat across from the guy and said to him, "If I got it, just tell me, I know already that I got it I know I do." He as a volunteer wax extremely gentle and compassionate. He opened the envelope and looked at it a long minute. And sadly with a tear in his eye he said, "I'm really sorry, but yes your test came back positive, you have HIV. I sat there for a second, got up thanked him and walked frozen into the reception area and looked at Chris and feel apart. Chris got up and bear hugged me and said it's OK. I'm not leaving you, I love you! The volunteer handed me a packet of info and the number and address to the infectious disease clinic.
A month later, the Health Department of Oklahoma contacted me and I met the gentleman at Denny's. I answered all his questions and gave him a list of full names that I could remember. I couldn't tell my past. That night, after a nice dinner with Chris, with his coaching I called my mommy. "Hi, I love you, I need to tell you, I got tested and I got HIV." Honestly, I don't remember her reply. I think she cried, but to my disbelief , she was still on the phone she didn't tell me to die and slam the phone down as I expected.
Around a week later I was at the Infectious Disease Clinic at the hospital.More blood drawn and the famous question at the hospital who gave "it" to you. I have an idea, but not sure, was my response. Truth is I knew who gave it to me, but he isn't to blame. I knowingly had sex with this guy, but I was around 16 in a mental hospital in Texas and truly believed "it" wouldn't ever happened to me, but it did. A week later I showed back up at the ID Clinic and heard some astonishing news. I was lucky at that time I wasn't even sick. My CD4 was around 428 and my viral load was close to 4,600. Insane! Immediately the doctor prescribed like 5 or 6 medications and vitamin supplements. Which was extremely difficult to swallow. Literally and figuratively! But fortunately I didn't end it and keep my promise to myself.
Many years later being medically compliant was not in my vocabulary and I declined again over several years. Eventually, living without any support as I thought, I got sick with PCP Pneumonia. They admitted me to the hospital and guess what...more blood work. Came back and my CD4 was 113 and my viral load was 148,000. I knew I was a lost cause. Three weeks later after I recovered from my pneumonia. I went home to Doug and David.
Depressed and pissed off I lay in bed in the back of the house. At something around 9:00pm I sat up went and got a beer and my bag of pills. I sat back in the bed and without a second thought gulped down approximately 9,000mg of Dilantin, 12,000mg of Tegutol and 3,000mg of Phenobarbitol. Chugged the remainder of the beer and laid back for a long winter nap as Doug was at work and David watched TV. I was dying. Sometime later not to long, David came to say goodnight, and I was grey and unresponsive. So 911 got called it was October 16, 2004. I was really almost dead. I had quit breathing and by the time the paramedics got there my heart had stopped. So they did CPR on me for several minutes. And off to ICU I went at Kansas City Hospital. Where Doug had met David and the ICU doctor had told them to call family and a minister and they will need to sign and call a funeral home. The ICU doctor called the doctor at KU Medical ID Clinic. Dr. Bajarcharia and told him I had overdosed and he highly doubted I'd survive. I was on a respirator, unresponsive, and extremely critical. I stayed comatose for 9 days. On the 10th day I was coherent, but still couldn't breath on my own till day 12. I spend the next 3 weeks in the hospital.
Now, 8 years later, medically compliant (again) CD4 324 viral load undetectable.
~Josh
I hope that by my brother sharing his story it will help someone out there. Whether you are newly diagnosed or if you have known for quite some time. You aren't alone. There are other people out there fighting the same battle right along with you.
My brother is currently paying a debt to society for getting mixed up with drugs. While he is away I will be his voice and share his story in order to help others. If my brothers story can help at least one person out there I know I am doing my job.
Joshie would like to read your comments. Please share below or if you would like to share them privately with him you can write him at:
Joshua Daum #1152853
Potosi Correctional Center
11593 State Highway O
Mineral Point, MO 63660
